TEND YOUR OWN GARDEN

Marriage is a challenge and there are many lessons to learn. One thing that I've learned from my own marriage is to take accountability from the choices I make and to not blame Sam for them. I figured I would share my favorite story about this that has become a huge metaphor about life's choices for me. I tagged all my married friends so they could share the love.

My in-laws Sam and Sande live in Ohio and have been married for over 30 years. They have had their ups and downs and have certainly mastered many things about being married. But there are a few things that still need to be learned.

Every year Sam plants a huge vegetable garden: lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, corn, potatoes, onions, cucumbers, you name it he plants it. And every year Sande gets upset at the huge garden he plants because she ends up taking care of it. She resents him for being "forced" to tend his garden. One year as I was once again hearing the complaints about all the hard work I suggested to Sande that she merely stop taking care of it. She was shocked by the idea of it. She believed that if she didn't take care of it it would be overtaken by weeds and the veggies would rot in the ground. "So what if it did? What would you rather have a rotting garden or a lifetime of resentment towards your husband?" I'm not sure she understood the question. It isn't his fault for planting the garden, it's her choice to take care of it. How can she blame him for her choices? If she were to simply stop tending his garden he would have to face the consequences of planting that huge garden: take care of it himself or watch it die. Perhaps if Sam were allowed to tend his own garden he would choose not to plant one next year, or at least a smaller one.

So how does this apply to my marriage (or yours)? What choices have I made that I resent Sam (my Sam) for? How will I make different choices? I love him and the last thing I want to do is to resent him, to have anger towards him. I cannot change him. I cannot force him to stop planting his "garden" I can only choose to not tend it for him. I can only control the change that is within me. I hold the key to my own life, no one else.

So what are the choices you have made? And are you tending your own "garden"? One year of spoiled crops is a fair exchange for a lifetime of a happy marriage.